Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
