I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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