I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Randomize