You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Randomize
