Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize