I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
