Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
