Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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