the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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