gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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