eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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