Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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