Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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