Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
