i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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