so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
