Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
