I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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