I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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