Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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