I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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