I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
