i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I cannot find my penis.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
