Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
