just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize