i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
