college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
