Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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