Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
