you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
