I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
