she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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