How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
