I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
