shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
