Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She bit a glass in half.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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