1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
