well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
When did we convert life to cartoon?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
