she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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