A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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