Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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