suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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