Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
