how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
