Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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