Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
