btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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