i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
