i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
