exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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