sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
