I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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