I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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