I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
