I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
