I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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