My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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