you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Drunk is not a location!
I party with great urgency now.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
