you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
