he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
