I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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