anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
