soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
