i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
