i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
