I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
