I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
